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Last updated 01.03.04

A Haskell Lover's Plea

Why should I renounce for you, dear Haskell,
My much yearned for side-effects?
Why should I face the software dragons 
Without my weapon, my manly spear of destruction?
They call you non-strict, oh so elegant and pure Ariel.
Yet side-effect celibacy is surely severe.

   Your flesh is too weak, you brutish beast.
   The tarpit demons of software hell await you!
   This sinful habit in which you indulge
   Does more harm than good. 
   Restrain yourself! And you too will see
   The wondrous and refined joys of referential transparency!

Alas, I can do without goto, without call/cc.
But sans side-effects, I am lost and forlorn, can't you see?
Oh, lady fairer yet than admirable Miranda (tm),
Scheme's prolix, parenthetical tedium
Is no match for your elegant syntax. What's more,
Your list comprehensions outshine even Prolog for sure...

    Ah, flatter me not, you low-spirited Caliban!
    Do you not know what advantages await
    Those who renounce destructive update?
    Start with an immaculate high-level specification,
    Throw in some algebraic code transformation.
    Soon you will have a provably correct and maintainable implementation.

Show mercy on mere mortals like me!
How I dream still of the efficient pleasures of pointer manipulation!
How I too wish to mutate memory with thoughts born of von Neumann earthiness!
Relent! Relent! Let me have my assignment, my printf, my gensym.
Let me fulfill my destructive impulses.
Let me set bang. Let me update. Let me assign. Let me mutate.

    Fear not, lowly beast, I have heard your pleas.
    To satisfy your low-level desire
    I'll give you monads, linear types, MADTs,
    Even single-threaded polymorphic lambda calculi.
    My beauty may suffer, still I will aspire
    To let you do (within typeful limits) what you please.

Rejoice!  Rejoice!  I'm free! I'm free!
The best of both worlds is mine at last.
Oh, infinite progeny of Church, Hope, and ML,
I curry favor not when I say:
Scan me right, fold me left, 
Lazy lady of many shapes, you've got class.
This poem is from Don Smith (dsmith@cs.waikato.ac.nz) and was distributed via the Haskell mailing list.
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