English Language Signs

In a Japanese Hotel

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In the office of a Roman doctor

Specialist in women and other diseases.

On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

Salad a firm's own make;
Limpid red beet soup with chessy dumplings in the form of a finger;
Roasted duck let loose;
Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hongkong Supermarket

For your convenience, we recommend couteous,effient, self-service.

A sign posted in the Germany's Black Forest

It is stricktly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live to-gether in one tent unless they are married with each for that purpose.

On a tap in a Finnish washroom

To stop the drip,
turn cock to the right.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

Take one of our horse-driven city tours
we guarante no miscarriages.

In an Acalpulco Hotel

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Tokyo Bar

Special cocktails for the ladie with nuts.

Detour Sign in Kyushi, Japan

STOP: Drive Sideways.

In a Bangkok temple

It is forbidden to enter a women here
even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance

English well talking
Here speeching American

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

When passenger of foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Zurich hotel

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, tis suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry

leave your clothes here
and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Outside a Paris dress shop

Dresses for street walking.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Paris hotel

A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but not trousers.

In a dance hall in a London suburb

The directors have the right
to refuse admission to any lady they think proper.

In the window of a Swedish furrier

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Advertisement for donkey rides (Thailand)

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Paris hotel

Tea in a bag just like mother.

In the window of an appliance store

Don't kill your wife.
Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

Seen above an office Xerox machine

Customers will please refrain from messing with secretaries' reproductive equipment.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a hotel in Athens

Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor Shop

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

At a Budapest zoo

Please do not feed the animals.
If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon

Are you an adult that cannot read?
If so, we can help.

In a safety information card for airline

If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card,
please tell a crew member.

On a Maine shop

Our motto is to give our customers
the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

In the offices of a loan company

Ask about our plans for owning your home.

At a number of U.S. military bases

Restricted to unauthorized personel.

On a display of `You are my one and only' valentine cards

Now available in multi packs.

On the window of an Oregon store

Why go elsewhere to be cheated,
when you can come here?

In a Pennsylvania cemetery

Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school

No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway

Take notice:
when this sign is under water,
this road is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash

If you can't read this,
it's time you wash your car.

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers

Parking for birds only.

In the vestry of a Church

Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a laundry room

Do not put wet clothes in dryers
as this can cause irreparable damage.

On a restroom hand dryer

Do not activate with wet hands.

At at the end of a London, Ontario newspaper ad openings for firefighters

We also provide all of our employees with a smoke-free work place.

In a New York Restaurant

Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a Maine restaurant

Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York drugstore

We dispense with accuracy.

In a funeral parlor

Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store

Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

Outside a country shop

We buy junk and sell antiques.

Definition of a monostable

A one horse accomodation.

In a town in Wales

No vehicular access to car park.

In a Greenwich Village Shop

Ear piercing.
Your choice: with or without pain.

On a bail bondsman's office

We'll get you out,
even if takes ten years.

Geoff Oakley
Fri May 24 12:41:18 EST 1996