Dear Jesus,

I guess you've were deluged with birthday prayers. If you've had time
to open them all you've got to be worried. I am, hence the email. There
was some talk of a return visit last time you were here. Got to tell you,
now would be good. Now would be excellent. So I would like to invite you,
in your capacity of the Prince of Peace, to visit Australia as part of
a second world trip this year.

Last time there was only the Pharisees, the Sanhedrin, Pontius Pilate and
his head office back in Rome to worry about. Mate, you should just see
what's going down now. Remember after the Tower of Babel was flattened?
Same thing all over again: no one wants to understand anyone else and
they aren't listening to anyone even when they are speaking the same
language. So come now, please.

If you could slip into your luggage some basic morality kits and any spare
commandments your father has kept that didn't make it to the final draft.
You'll need them when you meet the government. They'll have to be gift
wrapped. It's just that you can't get anywhere near some politicians
unless they think they're going to get something out of it. A lot of
them claim to be good Christians, but it really doesn't mean they share
your values or even understand what you were on about. Remember that
phrase you used "Suffer the little children?" Jesus, they have taken
that literally; they are making the little children suffer. They've got
little kids locked up behind razor wire, they're splitting up families,
they didn't even seem that fussed when 146 children drowned. The children
are suffering all right and so are their mums, just because they are
wearing the same kind of clobber your mother used to wear.

By the way, when you refer to your Dad, don't use the name Allah. Few
people here know that is one of His names. Jehovah's fine, the Almighty,
God of course and the Lord, but the majority of people here seem to
think 'Allah' is a different being entirely and they want to blame Him
for everything.  It's quite unjustified but 'Allah' is copping heaps. So
are the decent, law abiding Australians who follow the Koran and pray
to Allah. It's a matter of record how opposed you are to injustice of
this kind, but as a visitor and a human rights activist you will need
caution. Since fires of desperation swept through five of the detention
'facilities' on New Years Eve and Baxter lost its five star rating things
have got even tougher. One word out of place could have you banged up
incommunicado behind the electrified walls of an upgraded, state of the
art, fire proofed, maximum security detention facility before you can say
"g'day." Who knows what could happen. You and your message might just
disappear entirely. Like forever.

Forget the fisherman stuff too; for your Dad's sake, don't come by fishing
boat. Forget boats, fly or just manifest yourself. I know you can walk on
water but if you're coming to Australia you'll have to watch your step.
No donkeys, you'll need a limo, humility doesn't cut the mustard anymore.
Oh yeah . . . better shave your beard and wear a suit, Saville Row or
Armani, nothing cheap. Poverty has become even more unacceptable since you
were last here. If you're planning to cover your head could I suggest an
Akubra or a baseball cap in the conservative position not reversed. Robes
of any kind are regarded with suspicion. Trousers are mandatory for
men and women have to wear suits or next to nothing. The last thing you
need is a savaging from conservative Christians, fundamentalist clerics,
televangelists or born-again enthusiasts who think the 'end-time' is nigh.

Image is everything. You may need to think about a makeover. I mean you
did a wonderful job as a carpenter of Middle Eastern appearance on the
last trip. But this time you wouldn't even make it through immigration,
let alone be allowed to spread the word. As a carpenter the best you could
do is a lifestyle show on television. Sure you'd get to more people than
you could on the news, and you would have the celebrity status which is a
real plus, but it is limiting and if the show got axed it would be 'all
over red rover'. As far as race is concerned Black won't work. George
W. Bush and John W. Howard seem to pay absolutely no attention to the
Secretary General of the United Nations. John Howard won't even say sorry
to the Aborigines and their leaders are absolutely inspiring. Asian is
okay at the moment but how long that will last is anyone's guess.

Avoid extremes in any makeover. Women might represent over half the world
population and do most of the work, but when the blokes grabbed all the
executive roles in all the major churches they got to make all the rules
and when governments were formed they did it again. If you chose to be
a woman your message would disappear as your weight, clothes, and age
would get the bulk of media interest and public attention. Homosexuality
is out too because efforts might be made to smear you and denigrate
the message of your previous visit as much of the time you were in the
company twelve other fellas.

I really think the best bet is to come as a rich and influential white
American male. Preferably tall, blue-eyed, aged about 40, with movie
star looks, an athletic body, perfect teeth and a dazzling smile. Go
easy on intellect because intelligence, expertise and experience have
been devalued of late and would instantly trigger the Howard Government's
effective and well oiled Denial Machine. So stick to good natured humour
and lay on the compliments with a trowel and really push the friendship
with Australia buttons. Goes down well with the Prime Minister because
when Americans use this country's name in flattering terms he thinks
they are really talking about him.

Also as a white American you will not be suspected of being a terrorist
or having a hand in the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction or
chemical weapons, even though Americans proliferated like beavers during
the Cold War. And you can go for broke on peace because they'll think you
are following a White House directive to calm the nervy allies. With luck,
couple of bottles of fine wine and a gourmet banquet inside them, they
will probably endorse your views publicly before they realise you meant
what you said. About the meal, these are people used to privilege. Loaves
and fishes would antagonise them-they expect the best of everything.

Jesus, your Dad is omni-present, all-powerful and sees everything but I
am told He does it with love. Our Government is trying to get the same
sort of powers through parliament but love has nothing to do with it. No
love, no compassion, nothing.

We need you to go to Canberra and sort them out, Jesus. Howard's
cabinet is tough, they make the Pharisees seem like wimps. They have
to listen to you.  They just have to. They haven't listened to any of
your representatives, or the representatives of any of the Trinity and
your Mum's representatives, or the United Nations, or anyone who knows
about diplomacy, the law, human rights or the perils of war. Together
with much of the media they have ignored the thousands and thousands of
caring Australians supporting refugees. Best not to mention you were a
refugee or they'll ignore you too.

They have to know you're serious. Jesus, do you remember that fun day at
the temple when you did your block? Throwing money on the floor might
get their attention. I don't know. Miracles are your department and
if enough members of the cabinet experience an epiphany and open their
hearts to the refugees it will be a miracle. It will be awesome.

But don't hang round afterwards. It's not that they crucify people anymore
but they like recycling unthinkably lousy policies so it's best not to
give them any ideas. In just three terms of Government they've brought
back the White Australia Policy, racism, religious intolerance and the
police state.  They have torn families apart and made the country a penal
colony again.  I'll tell you if they managed to get that lot through,
they'd have no trouble selling crucifixion to the gullible masses through
their functionaries on talkback radio . Anyhow you've got to take care
of yourself, so you can take care of business on a global scale because
this New World Order stuff seems pretty frightening.

The world's governments might be made up mostly of men and most of
the leaders will be retired in the next couple of years,, but they are
really not very grown up-they still like to play with toys. And Jesus,
these toys are lethal, and they're all wound up, set up in attack mode and
ready to go.  The tiny soldiers are the young and the fragile, like their
targets, and they are made of flesh and blood, like their targets. The
big boys are perfectly safe in their parliamentary playrooms, but it is
about time discipline was restored. Jesus, please to tell them to put
the toys away and stop being silly before someone gets hurt or they blow
up this beautiful world.

We need a messiah, Jesus. We need one right now. Actually we need
a saviour.

Mary Dagmar Davies